The first rung: the betrayalThe second rung: the assaultThe third rung: the rumorsThe fourth rung: the paintingThe final rung: no other way outBenji Stevens is 14 years old when her world falls apart. Betrayed, bullied, and battered emotionally, physically, and spiritually, her life spirals out of control. She is certain there is nowhere to turn and nothing to live for. Yet in the midst of the … to live for. Yet in the midst of the darkness there appears an array of hope in the form of her crazy uncle, her single mom, and a host of other characters she never dreamed would be there to help. When she is forced to join the Yeah, but I Didn’t therapy group, Benji is finally able to confront her inner demons and embrace her own self-worth.
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“…but sometimes grief gets its claws in you and just won’t let go.”
Being a teenager is difficult enough without the added stress of bullying/cyber-bullying, sexual abuse, and sibling rivalry in a single-parent household. For fourteen-year-old Benji in Yeah, But I Didn’t, life is about to become off-the-charts difficult.
Yeah, But I Didn’t by Ann Swann starts off with a young girl struggling to handle the loss of a boyfriend to her best friend and then the sudden sexual attack from a classmate she barely knows. A small bruise on Benji’s forehead is more than simply a concussive bump from an assault that could have been so much worse. As the bruise fades, her memory of how it got there lingers, representing the constant reminder that the control we think we have over our lives is a fleeting and fickle beast.
“You can’t control everything around you—or even how others treat you—but you can control how you react. And that’s how you take back your power.”
With feelings of guilt from the attack and still stinging from the betrayal of love and friendship, Benji turns to her art. In an almost mystical moment of artistic abandon, Benji produces a watercolor during art class that depicts the pulsating emotions of her young heart at its most vulnerable—squeezed between the hands of her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend. That painting, in all its honest, painful beauty, represents a central theme throughout the story. The heart is so fragile and vulnerable to onslaughts and pain yet oh so resilient and capable of enormous love and forgiveness. As if the teen angst of broken relationships isn’t enough, other events occur that knock Benji to her knees and toward an impulsive decision that changes everything.
While it may seem the author has loaded way too many burden’s onto Benji’s young shoulders all at once, that is often an unfortunate reality. Life piles it on thick sometimes.
The main characters are well developed and interesting, and the reader watches everything unfold through Benji’s eyes, but her older sister, Janie, deserves some special attention. She is rude, resentful, and downright cruel to her little sister, crushing her under accusations and hate. But by the end of the story, we finally know and understand Janie a bit better and realize that she is just as lost and broken as Benji.
The story is fast paced and engaging, with only a few odd quirks to ponder. Benji’s character development often comes across as a little too immature for a fourteen-year-old (I kept thinking she was about ten or maybe twelve), especially when she passively accepts her mom deleting her social media accounts and commandeering her phone, all without too much fuss. Perhaps Benji is too overburdened by the cyber-bullying and fallout and rumors from her shocking artwork and other heartbreaking events to put up a fight, but I’m guessing most teens might pitch an epic fit if anyone tries to pry the phone from their hands, no matter what is going on in their lives (and many adults, too). Even so, the overall plot of Yeah, But I Didn’t is imaginative and full of plenty of emotional highs and lows; laughter and tears.
Ann Swann delivers a raw and difficult glimpse into a reality that can be uncomfortable for readers of any age, but bullying, sexual abuse, and suicide and attempted suicide exist in real life, unfortunately. Through this touching work of fiction, all of those truths are laid bare but not without the much needed elements of hope, redemption, healing, and love. Benji finds her healing through her therapist, her mom’s and uncle’s steady presence and guidance, two police officers’ encouragement and friendship, and a boy named Sam.
(This review will be on my blog All the Ups and Downs soon.)
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I love books that deal with some sort of downward spiral. I don’t mean that in a morbid sense. I just mean that I usually find them interesting. When I was presented with the opportunity of reading Yeah, but I Didn’t by Ann Swann, I jumped at the chance.
Benji Stevens is a bright 14 year old high school girl. In fact, she’s so smart, she’s even skipped a grade in school. When something horrible happens to her one day at her house, her life begins to spiral out of control. With bad things happening right after one another, will Benji find the light at the end of the tunnel or will it be too late?
The premise for Yeah, but I Didn’t is really interesting. There were some great aspects of this book. In fact, after reading this book, my new life motto is now, “You can’t control how other people treat you. But you CAN control how you react. And that’s how you take back your power.” I love that quote, and it’s said a few times throughout Yeah, but I Didn’t. I liked the theme of hope and forgiveness towards the end of the book as well. Ann Swann did a fantastic job with her descriptive language at making it easy to picture each scene in the book. I found myself being transported to the setting of Yeah, But I Didn’t whenever I started reading.
The characters in Yeah, but I Didn’t felt fairly realistic throughout the novel, though Benji’s character seemed more like she was 12 with how she would speak and act sometimes. I liked Benji though, and I admired her determination to get through this horrible part of her life. I enjoyed reading about Benji’s mom and how (in the last quarter of the book) she turns to God to help her with everything. (Though this was a sudden shift and was a little jarring. The story went from no real mention of God to suddenly focusing on how God can help you.) Janie was a well-written character, but I just wanted to shake that girl sometimes for being so spiteful and horrible to her mom and Benji especially! My favorite characters were Uncle Aidan and Dr Blue. They always came across as being optimistic and wanting to help Benji be the best version of herself. I will also say that each character is described very well, so it’s easy to picture each one as a real life person instead of just some character in a book.
As much as I enjoyed the book, there were things that didn’t work for me. I found the pacing to be a bit too slow for my liking, and I felt like there was too much narrative description through much of the book; I didn’t need to know exact details of every little thing. I could have done without the mention of politics in this book; it didn’t seem necessary. And a pet peeve: it’s mentioned that Benji and her uncle they order chicken nuggets from Sonic. Sonic does not do chicken nuggets; they do chicken strips, popcorn chicken, and boneless wings — but never chicken nuggets!
I also felt like, although this book is considered a young adult book and deals with some heavy subject matters, it felt like it was written for a middle grade audience.
Trigger warnings for Yeah, but I Didn’t include alcoholism, suicide, attempted suicide, teenage pregnancy, some violence, and attempted rape.
While I found Yeah, but I Didn’t to be a bit of a slow read mostly, I do think younger teens that who are going through a dark patch in their life would enjoy this. I would recommend Yeah, but I Didn’t by Ann Swann to those 14+ who need a bit of hope in their life.
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(A special thank you to Lone Star Literary Life for providing me with an eBook of Yeah, but I Didn’t by Ann Swann in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.)