Could she ever share the secret of The Awful Year? There is one story that novelist Josephine Bourdillon shirked from writing. And now she may never have a chance. Trapped in her memories, she lies in a coma.The man who put her there is just as paralyzed. Former soldier Henry Hughes failed to complete the kill. What’s more: he never received full payment–funds that would ensure surgery for his … that would ensure surgery for his son.
As detectives investigate disturbing fan letters, a young but not-so-naïve Paige Bourdillon turns to her mother’s turbulent past for answers. Could The Awful Year be worse than the one they’re living now?
Set against the flaming hills of North Carolina and the peaceful shores of the Mediterranean Sea, When I Close My Eyes tells the story of two families struggling with dysfunction and finding that love is stronger than death.
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Elizabeth Musser has written a wonderful page-turner of a novel. But it’s so much more than that. It speaks so beautifully to those experiencing depression or mental illness, but more than that, it speaks to those (like me) who DON’T know or understand that kind of darkness, helping them to understand in a whole new, more loving and compassionate way, those who struggle. If you’re looking for something to read over the holidays that’s entertaining, compelling, and ultimately SO uplifting, When I Close My Eyes is just the ticket!
A great book with a deep emotional impact.
I have liked Elizabeth Musser’s books and enjoyed them before; this one was especially good, and it turns out was similar to Musser’s struggles in many ways. There is mystery not revealed until the end. It’s not exactly happy ever after, but has a satisfying ending with hope for the future. I plan to give this book to some of my friends who also struggle with depression, or even suicidal thoughts. (That sounds dark, but it is definitely worth reading!!!)
What a gift you are about to receive as you turn the pages of this amazing read, tough subject, yes, but keep reading.
As we move along, your mind wants you to tell the character not to friend someone, but they don’t know the facts, and when the facts start to unfold, the hard thing for Christians begins, forgiveness.
We know who commits the crime, but who ordered it, and yes, I guessed wrong, and wrong again, but you will come to love this family, and in the end, I wanted more.
Often swept under the rug, depression is focused on here, and loved the author’s notes at the end.
I received this book through Net Galley and the Publisher Bethany House, and was not required to give a positive review.
”I steadied my Glock, and took aim…In the same moment I heard a voice at the end of the alley call out, “Ms. Bourdillon! You forgot—” and the lady turned as my bullet laced its way silently through the air, so that it hit her on the right side of the head instead of full force in the back, as was my intent. But I saw her fall to the ground, lying in a puddle of blood, as the voice turned into a piercing scream. I disappeared around the corner…..”
I stopped reading at this point and checked to see if I was reading a book by Elizabeth Musser. I had not read the book blurb, just looked at the cover and jumped in. I did not expect this opening from what the cover conveyed. After checking all was correct, I adjusted by expectations and settled down for a fascinating, brilliantly written tale told through Henry eyes, (paid assassin), and Paige Josephine’s daughter (budding novelist) with flashbacks through bestselling author Josephine’s eyes. I felt readers got a peek into this authors’ personal story (as confirmed in acknowledgements). This was a story close to the author’s heart as she gives a peek into her writing world and some of her experiences in France. (where she lives)
While well-known author Josephine Bourdillon lies in a coma the reader gets to know her as she recalls memories from the past, troubled family life involving her free-spirited sister, meeting her husband and how she became an author.
This story is beautifully told as this author tackles tough topics, keeping matters honest, non-preachy and true. The author shows how the lies we believe and tell others creates a web around us that’s hard to break. Issues touched on are suicide, mental illness, depression, friendship, love, acceptance, faith, trust, hope, and forgiveness all wonderfully shared through her soul-searching characters. Musser was able to have readers look at tragic events from a few different angles, sharing through compassionate, loving and graceful eyes. (John 8:31 – 32 Jesus said… you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”)
I appreciate the author’s bravery and transparency in writing this story. These topics people don’t like to talk about and/or even think about. I liked how Josephine realizes the lies she’s believed about God, herself and others.
“I had to get to the end of myself before I could figure out how to live again. I thought quite literally and horribly and morbidly that the end of myself was dying. Depression does that, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. We sensitive souls feel everything so deeply. Everything matters, and I could not differentiate between the really big deals and the big deals in my heart that tormented me time and time again.”
This is a surprising, engaging, hopeful read that will bring much discussion for your book club group. The author includes 15 discussion questions to help you go deeper in discussing this novel. This author pens a remarkable story you won’t want to miss.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher, Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”
Nora St. Laurent
TBCN Where Book Fun Begins!
The Book Club Network http://www.bookfun.org
Once again Elizabeth Musser has done an outstanding job with her gift of writing. “When I Close My Eyes” was impactful, inspiring, heartfelt, and original. She takes on the hidden problem of depression and tells about it in a realistic light that lends credence to her characters while accentuating the forgiveness and grace of God, the true Healer.
I’ve read two books back to back that deal with the difficult topics of depression and suicide, but only When I close My Eyes had the underlying message of faith and grace, making it the story I would recommend first.
Elizabeth Musser takes readers on a journey of discovery through the eyes of three different characters. Henry is questioning whether his sins and choices can be forgiven. Paige is searching for answers about her mother and family. And, through flashbacks, Josephine is trying to uncover her memories.
I adored Paige in this story. She asks hard questions, she stands up for others, and she shows grace when it’s most difficult to give. She’s the ultimate picture of forgiveness.
This is one book that is going to stick with me for a long while.
Disclosure statement:
I receive complimentary books from publishers, publicists, and/or authors, including NetGalley. I am not required to write positive reviews. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.
Musser has written a powerful story capturing the agony of what it’s like to suffer from depression. She writes VERY different characters struggling with challenges unique to their situations in a thoughtful, realistic way. Henry is now one of my favorite “bad” guys ever. Musser did a masterful job of showing how even the worst plans can turn to good in the most surprising ways. Enjoyed this more than I expected!
I had no idea what this book was about when I began reading but it touched me on a deep emotional level. This is a story with many layers and a lot of secrets. As novelist Josephine Bourdilllon lies in a coma in a hospital, much of her life passes through her memories…her thoughts center mostly on her family. She remembers her childhood, her parents, and her sister, Kit. She remembers her husband, Patrick, and their daughters, Hannah and Paige. She cannot quite understand what has happened to her. She doesn’t remember having an accident so why can’t open her eyes and why does it feel as if she keeps drifting off into darkness. She can hear the voices of her loved ones and struggles to come back to them.
And then there is Henry…driven by love and desperation, Henry has committed a heinous act…he is frantic, his thoughts scattered. How is he going to help his Libby and their son, Jase, if someone finds out what he did? He struggles with guilt and longs to know if there really is such a thing as grace and forgiveness…and if there is, does it extend to someone like him?
Hannah and Paige are frantic and so worried about their beloved Momma. Will she ever wake up, and if she does, will she ever be the same? The police are asking so many questions and what will they do if they are asked about “the awful year” when so much loss entered their lives? Can they guard their family secrets or will it all come out? They spend hours going through Josephine’s fan mail…reading emails and letters in an effort to find out who harmed their mother and why.
Patrick sits beside the love of his life and prays as he wonders who would do this awful thing to Feeny and why? Was it a random act or someone who was angered over something in one of her books? Is now the time to come clean about the secret he has guarded for so many years…even from his daughters? He wants to be free of the lies and he wants his family together again. This book will hold you captive until you turn the last page…with two surprise twists at the end.
When I Close My Eyes is a book that deals with topics that many people do not want to discuss such as; regret, shame, family secrets, depression, and suicide. Elizabeth Musser has done an excellent job of writing this story with care and sensitivity. It is a book that impacted me in a big way and one that I will not soon forget.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House Publishers and was under no obligation to post a review.
This is my first novel from Elizabeth Musser and I’m still in awe at her incredible talent to bring a realistic, heart wrenching and poignant tale to life with such beauty and emotion.
The story is narrated through three different point of views. Josephine, a famous writer that has a murder attempt and lies in a coma in the hospital (we get her insights through flashbacks of her life since she was 6 years old), Henry, her assassin, a man with a mental illness who does it out of desperation to get funds to pay for his 7 year old son who needs an urgent heart surgery, and Paige, Josephine’s teenage daughter who wants to understand her mother’s past in order to understand her better and bring some light to her murder attempt.
This is not your typical romance novel, even if there might be a little bit of sweet and clean love scenes. This story deals with real life issues that we can relate to, maybe through our personal lives and struggles, or that of a family member or dear friend. This story deals with depression, anxiety, trauma, desperation, guilt, but at the same time, it brings a ray of light through a beautiful message of forgiveness (for one self and then for others), of trusting God with your broken soul, and trusting that only Him can bring true healing and good to us, even through our mistakes and weaknesses. And that He NEVER forsakes us. That is a beautiful and sometimes hard truth to acknowledge, when our faith is not strong.
My heart ached for this two grieving families. Henry was a man that tore at my heart. He was abused by his father and educated in a way that you had to get what you needed at whatever cost. That got him to behold his father’s murder after being caught in a thievery. That and dealing with PTSD after being in the military for some years. He’s a broken soul, and he acts out of desperation. But the murder he attempted failed and he doesn’t know what to do. So he instinctively buys his victim’s book, and dwelling in those pages will bring out some truths he was never aware of. Was his failure the providence of God? Is there a chance to redeem himself? But what of his little boy? How can this explain the existence of a loving God?
And Josephine… Her books, though historical, always tug strings and brings light to some difficult issues in history that keep repeating themselves: racism, corruption, hate… Her stories are full of God enlightening messages. But if she’s struggled with depression for so long, are her beliefs true or just a shell to hide from her fears? What is that big awful secret she’s hidden and has still to share? Will she wake up from her coma to help solve and understand so many mysteries and family secrets?
Paige is innocent and naive, yet she’s very observant, and this quality will take her on a journey to not only unraveling family secrets, but also of self discovery and understanding of human nature. But best of all, of God’s love above all our failings and human mistakes, if we are willing to let Him in our lives.
This book addresses depression in a very profound way. The fact that the author struggled with it, even if in a low level, makes her an authority and gives solidness to her story. I loved that the story throws light about how to deal with it, in a human and also in a faithly way. It can help the reader if you are struggling with it, or it can help you understand when someone close to you is dealing with this illness. The need of understanding and empathy in these cases is so so great.
I loved other side characters, such as Patrick, and Drake. I wish Paige and Drake would get their own love story…
I was mesmerized by the whole story. The mystery element: the intrigue about who ordered Josephine’s death, the secrets about “that awful year”, the wondering of how these families could be healed and restored, keep you guessing and captivate you until the end. It is definitely love and only LOVE that can restore a broken soul. And, in the most perfect way, the most unconditional LOVE which is God’s love.
Thank you, Elizabeth Musser, for such an inspiring, human and compassionate story!
I totally recommend it! You will end with a feeling of purpose and hope at the end.
When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser is such a different book. It is a deeply moving book, full of drama with very believable characters. A book that will draw you in from the very first chapter. It deals with serious depression but in a well written way. You cannot always tell what goes on in the heart/life of a person. Even though it seems they are famous and well adjusted, they may be fighting their own demons. This book was emotionally charged, deeply thought provoking and you will find it hard to lay down, and the ending was so surprising and different…….. Thank you to Bethany House Publishing and NetGalley for this book. I was under no obligation to write a positive review and all opinions are my own.
When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser is a captivating and significant story about Josephine Bourdillon who is an author struggling with depression. Yet with her novels, Josephine seeks to impart hope to her readers.
Ms. Musser paints beautiful word pictures of the mountains near Asheville, North Carolina where the Bourdillon’s live: “In the spring the mountains looked green and soft as velvet, but when October came around, the velvet blanket turned into an intricate tapestry of reds and oranges and deep yellows.”
The novel is told from several voices, each of whom is searching for something. For one it is forgiveness, one the meaning of faith and salvation, and one how to exist with overwhelming self doubt.
This is a hard book to read but it is well worth it. Faith seeps from every page even in the midst of adversity.
Josephine, husband Patrick, and daughters Paige and Hannah are a loving family. They are haunted by what the girls call “The Awful Year” never speaking of it but not truly understanding all that happened. But when Josephine lies in a coma from head trauma, the family is forced to confront the circumstances of the past.
Ms. Musser puts her heart into the story showing Patrick as patient, loving, understanding and protective. Josephine is depicted very realistically as someone with a strong faith but who grapples with self worth. Her role as an author sees her longing to touch lives: “I write what touches my heart. What I care about. Injustice, cruelty, prejudice, addiction, depression. I know they’re unsettling things in our society, but I can’t stop writing about them. In my stories there is always hope.”
This book is rich in emotion as each character finds the answers he is seeking and a faith that is real and sustaining.
There is much to take away from this novel not the least of which is Grace. As Josephine realizes: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. The gift of God, the gift of God. A gift. A gift.”
Ms. Musser care about those with depression and puts helpful information in the afterword for people seeking help and encouragement.
*I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House on behalf of the author. I was not obligated to write a favorable review. All opinions are my own.*
Oh. My. Goodness. This book was emotionally charged, deeply thought provoking, and seriously amazing! I absolutely fell in love with each of these characters as they face tests of faith regarding God’s purpose and plan for their lives. There are realistic struggles with depression and the overwhelming demonstration of forgiveness. I found myself crying more than once over the emotion behind what each character experienced. It was extremely difficult to put the book down, and even when I paused in reading to do activities of my daily life, I found the words and themes of the story sticking with me. The ending is so beautiful and wraps everything up well. The writing was real and touching. The author has such a unique ability to craft such rich characters and themes! It was easy to connect with the characters and to relate to their growth and the spiritual lessons to my own life. Like all of her novels, Elizabeth Musser pens yet another book that is deeply powerful and definitely worth the read. I cannot recommend this book enough!
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the author. Opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own.
What an amazing story! From the very beginning, I was hooked. I loved how the lives of these characters intersected and affected one another. The writing was touching and real. I found the perspective of an author’s life very interesting. With themes of forgiveness, grace, hope and finding light in the darkness, there is a lesson for everyone. The author’s respect and appreciation of people dealing with depression and PTSD is evident. I think that books discussing these issues are so important in our world today. I hope that many people will pick up this book. This is the first book that I have read by Elizabeth Musser but it won’t be the last. I was given a copy of this book by the publisher. All opinions are my own.
I loved it and seriously couldn’t put it down because I wanted to know the whole story!! It is such an honest account of how mental illness can occur in the best of times and the worst of times.
Henry reminded me of so many children who I have known; coming from trauma but still hoping for something more. And the author’s story was a realistic account of how secrets never stay hidden.
“God’s Grace is sufficient” could be the title because that was certainly the overriding gift of this book! I fear that some might find this book “too spiritual” but the best way to fight darkness like depression is with God+medication+therapy+transparency, and I so appreciate Elizabeth’s candor in making that so real here!
One of Elizabeth’s many strengths as a novelist is the wonderful characters she creates, and When I Close My Eyes is one of her best yet! Even from the beginning, I felt like Paige and Henry and Josephine and the others were the friends or neighbors I had grown up with. Their personalities and struggles are ones that are familiar, and Elizabeth’s honest and authentic style engages the reader as a participant In their stories rather than just an observer. The issues the characters face are complex, sad and commonly hidden, but seeing their grace, courage and tenacity will comfort and hopefully inspire many readers to seek healthy resolution to their own ‘secrets’. Break out the Kleenex and coffee…’up-all-night-reading’ is guaranteed!
In her new book, When I Close My Eyes, Elizabeth Musser opens it with a piercing moment of hate and violence that then turns our direction back to the truth of God’s love, strength and peace. She leads us thru the lives of a tight-knit family, their friends and an unlikely addition to reveal the depth and honesty of the mother’s struggle with depression. I love that Elizabeth never makes the struggles look easy. She reveals the ugliness, the anger and hypocrisy of our hearts while still honoring that truth. The truth that each of us must walk as we grow in our relationship with Christ.
I want to shout it out to all how much I LOVED this book and how much it is needed and how brave Elizabeth is for writing it! God’s Grace is sufficient but many times we don’t believe we are good enough or deserve it. As one who has also suffered from depression off and on my entire life; I highly suggest others to read this book. It definitely touched me and gave me a renewed feeling of hope.
Thank you to the author for the opportunity to be a part of her street team and reading an early copy of this wonderful book.
Words are just hard for me to find to describe how this book affected me. Parts of the book were deeply personal to me and I just wanted to soak up the words so I could remember them later. But, I’ll just have to read it again and make notes. I’m still just trying to absorb every last bit of emotion from it before starting another book.
This is a story of the deepest emotions we as humans can have. Faith, struggle, depression, suicide, hope, recovery, hypocrisy, and the deep love of Jesus Christ who calls us to Him because He loves us SO much.
Wonderful story, with characters that will reach in and grab you until you are inside them. This book is a love story, mystery, drama, with just a tiny bit of humor. You’ll get drawn into the story and it will be hard to put down. Then the end comes and you’ll feel a bit sad to let it go. But ever so grateful that you read it.
When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser is a powerful contemporary Christian story that will blow your mind as you witness the awesome love of God for His people and their great love for each other.
The novel has forgiveness and grace at its heart. We are all sinners in need of a Saviour. “Help me to leave the guilt and helplessness behind.” Sometimes we think we are so ‘bad’ that we are disqualified from God’s love. Nothing could be further from the truth. God passionately pursues us until we receive Him and His free gift of grace. “Forgiveness… it changes something in your heart.” When we receive forgiveness we exchange a heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
It is beautiful to watch a character seek the truth of who God is. Questions are asked that draw the character closer to the arms and heart of God. No matter what happens to that character, they receive a peace because they know Jesus.
The truth will set us free. The truth has been hidden for years in an effort to protect but the reality is – a burden has been carried that was never meant to be picked up.
The church is a lifeline in times of trouble. They “needed those people at church, needed their prayers and support.” The support, both practical and spiritual lifts up those without the strength to do so themselves.
Much of the novel is set in an ICU. It is a traumatic time with many heartfelt conversations. Characters experiencing despair are injected with faith and hope by others. Some of the most Christ-like actions come, not from those professing to be Christians but from a character who is actively running from Jesus, unaware that He is pursuing them.
There are some difficult topics of mental illness in the form of depression, PTSD and suicidal thoughts. These are sensitively portrayed.
I found When I Close My Eyes an incredibly powerful novel with much godly advice. There were characters who walked in the footsteps of Jesus, revealing the heart of God. I could not put it down. It was a wow, wow, wow read. I will leave you with this powerful quote:
“I breathe in God’s forgiveness each day and breathe out His grace.”
I received this book for free. A favourable review was not required and all views expressed are my own.