No virgins or tentacles were harmed in the making of this anthology. Batteries not included.A squidalicious collection of the 3 books from The Squirm Files: Squirm, Strum, and The Well-hung Gun. These are parodies of erotic romance, tentacle erotica, purple prose, and the tropes of romance.This anthology should not be read, glimpsed, or sat on by anyone who thinks procreation is only to be … is only to be attempted while fully dressed and with the lights off so you can’t see the naughty bits.
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After The Princess Tied,i heard there was a really weird series i’d never read before…..
And when Cari decided i needed to know exactly how weird,i immediately said YES.
Because,let’s face it,anything Cari writes…..
And she was right,this ís the weirdest series she’s ever written!
With Virginia Chaste,a virgin on a Quest for the Ten inch Purple-headed Schlong.
And Karl Tulhu,a billionaire biker monster with tentacles.
And he intends to show Virginia what they can do…but is it what she expected?
*You know for a tentacle monster you’re pretty tame. I mean here you’ve got me at your mercy and all you want to do is make me yours and sexually ravage me and give me orgasms.’
“What else did you expect?”
“I don’t know. Pain. Rending me limb from limb. Chewing on my bones. Driving me insane. Exploding my brain. Monster torture.”
“Hmm. Most of that would mean a big extra cleaning bill. It’s already huge. Plus I like tentacle sex. So. Instead I’ll just brand your butt with mine before I ravage and violate you.*
And ravage he does! He is The One,Virginia….trust me!
Your Quest for the Ten inch Purple-headed Schlong is over!
When Karl and the Sea Wolves disappear,Virginia is lucky Dangerous Bob is still there.
She has amnesia,and hasn’t got a clue what to do.
He takes her to Zagan Grimm,a billionaire demon rock star monster.
Zagan knows exactly what she needs to do,and he enjoys it…a lot.
Thén he rounds up his friends….and gets down to business.
*Six men. Virginia raised an eyebrow as she surveyed them.
Zagan – man with radioactive cock. Crush – metal-pierced cock. Skoll – ass to cock fetish. Lars…he’d probably snort things with his cock. Mr. T. Rex – dino cock. And last of all, man with either the mostest or the leastest, Dangerous Bob – man with artificial cock.
There was a theme going on here. Someone clearly needed a new hobby. Though she wasn’t going to say who for fear of being in the next book as the virgin captive of the gang-banging orangutans*
After Virginia “helps”Zagan renew his powers,he knows where the book they need is:
*Copies of all the books in existence are at the Zon. Plus Lawn ornaments. Movies. Sex toys. The Zon is a dangerous place. If the Necrosexi-texmexicon makes it to the heart of the Zon, the world may cease to exist as it is now.*
And at the Zon,we meet Prudence Prim,who makes sure everyone follows the rules.
Dresses correctly,behaves as each section of the Zon demands,and uses the proper language.
Prudence takes one look at Crush and his metal dick,and after a thorough inspection,decides she wants to see him in a special section of the Zon.
The search for the Necrosexi-texmexicon takes them through a lot of sections.
Where all sorts of books live. (Yes,live)
Finding the Necrosexi-texmexicon is one thing,getting it so worked up,it opens the portal for Karl,is another.
And once Karl is back,they need the Necrosexi-texmexicon to get the Sea Wolves too.
How to make that happen……hmmm….
Being back home with Karl,Virginia faces a new challenge,the man flu!
Whatever was afflicting His Supreme Tentacled Monsterness,he felt like he was dying….
Searching for a cure,she stumbles on a skateboard and ends up in 1860 near a town called Peckerwood Springs.
Meeting even more weird people.
Rafe with the large pecker and small brain.
Sheriff Ornery Ol’ Bastard and his pig,Erma.
And…John Beastwood with his six! six-guns.
Her skateboard tells her he is the answer for both a cure for Karl,and a way to get back to the future.
(Yes,her skateboard talks!)
Only John has other plans with her,involving an underground lake,tentacles and fetishes.
And this time,he intends to make sure she doesn’t…..change? like the girls before her.
(Yes,there is a mystery there….)
And he plans to keep her!
Now thát is not what Virginia wants,so she decides to help the a**hole get his sweetheart back.
Teaching him manners,making him swear less,ánd teaching him to dance.
And since he gets into trouble with the townfolks after showing the parts he should keep hidden,she helps him there too…
Convincing them John has something to make their lives so much better.
If only she didn’t decide to take the skateboard to get home…..
This was a trilogy that had me squirming and roaring with laughter throughout.
(I was lucky enough go get expert advice on how to deal with the side-effects of the squirming,or i would’ve flooded the house,lol)
Suspend your critical mind for a while
and give your facial muscles and your diaphragm a workout.
This is a giggles, guffaws, belly laughs, groans producing tale. There is a thin back-story linking those three stories together, but that is just the adhesive for word acrobatics, sillyness of the highest order, and absolute mayhem with tentacles, suckers, and lots of “exploring” of hidden crevices.
You better find a soundproof room to read this, you might get strange looks from people around you!
I did!!!