“A stunning debut by a truly gifted writer–an eye-opening read for both liberals and conservatives–and it could not come at a better time.”–Adam Grant, New York Times bestselling author of Option B, with Sheryl Sandberg What is the opposite of hate? As a progressive commentator on Fox News and now CNN, Sally Kohn has made a career out of bridging intractable political differences and … intractable political differences and learning how to talk respectfully with people whose views she disagrees with passionately. Her viral TED Talk on the need to practice emotional–rather than political–correctness sparked a new way of considering how often we amplify our differences and diminish our connections.
But these days even famously “nice” Kohn finds herself wanting to breathe fire at her enemies. It was time, she decided, to look into the epidemic of hate all around us and learn how we can stop it. In The Opposite of Hate, Kohn talks to leading scientists and researchers and investigates the evolutionary and cultural roots of hate and how incivility can be a gateway to much worse. She travels to Rwanda, the Middle East, and across the United States, introducing us to former terrorists and white supremacists, and even some of her own Twitter trolls, drawing surprising lessons from dramatic and inspiring stories of those who left hate behind.
As Kohn confronts her own shameful moments, whether it was back when she bullied a classmate or today when she harbors deep partisan resentment, she discovers, “The opposite of hate is the beautiful and powerful reality of how we are all fundamentally linked and equal as human beings. The opposite of hate is connection.”
Sally Kohn’s engaging, fascinating, and often funny book will open your eyes and your heart.
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A must-read book for all of us at this moment in history. I’m grateful for Sally Kohn’s clear voice and vision in showing us the way forward.
A stunning debut by a truly gifted writer — an eye-opening read for both liberals and conservatives — and it could not come at a better time.
Sick of the anger, division and hate in our world? Sally Kohn’s book is uplifting, funny, and full of inspiring solutions.
Sally Kohn has really done it this time. Brilliant.
The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guild to Repairing our Humanity by Sally Kohn was a hard book to read, delving into the roots of hate, and yet I was given hope by stories of recovered haters and the offered toolkit of how to move beyond hate.
I was a freshman in high school in 1967 when my Civics teacher Mr. Warner taught us that there is no such thing as ‘race’, that we are all one ‘race’–the human race. I was a sophomore in college when Dr. Sommers told my anthropology class the story of a community who believed they were God’s Real People and across the hill lived sub-human others. Two stories that succinctly sum up social conflict: are we connected or are we disconnected?
In my late 20s, working in an all black office, I learned that, even raised in a home and school culture that did not teach hate towards perceived ‘others’, hate is so ingrained in our society that one cannot escape it. To rise above hate one must be on perpetual guard, thoughtful of our unvoiced thoughts and emotions as well as our spoken words and deeds. We all hate. It is a choice every day what we do with this knowledge.
Kohn reflects on her own childhood acts of bullying and her training as a community activist who found hate was a “useful tool in their civic-engagement tool belt.” Catching herself in hateful hypocrisy made her reflect on hate–its universality, its manifestations from name calling to hate crimes, and how the dehumanization of ‘others’ creates a deadly climate.
Kohn sat down and talked to people who held beliefs that were diametrically her opposite, learning their story. We all know how hard this is to do. We cut off Facebook friends and even relatives, and avoid certain gatherings were we may run into people whose opinions we object to–even hate. Kohn shares a technique from Compelling People by Matt Kohut and John Neffinger. Instead of arguing or telling folk they are wrong, follow ABC. Affirm: find a mutual concern; Bridge with an ‘and’ statement and follow with Convince, in which you present your view. She calls it connection-speech, a friendly and respectful way of communicating.
Several times over the last year I have found myself fumed at something an acquaintance has said. I stated my case and apologized if they felt attacked, saying I feel passionate about the issue. Reading ABC makes me recall a professor, who when a student said something he did not agree with, calmly said, “that could be” or “that is interesting” and then stated his convincing argument. I have been forgetting to affirm.
Each chapter addresses aspects of hate:Why We Hate, How We Hate, Hating Is Belonging, Unconscious Hate, When Hate Becomes Pandemic, Systems of Hate, and The Journey Forward.
The opposite of hate, Kohn contends, is not love or even liking those we don’t agree with. It is not giving up one’s passionately held ideals. It is connection–treating others with respect as fellow human beings.
I appreciated Kohn’s honest confession, how she drew lessons from the people she interviewed, and especially for a blueprint of how to overcome America’s most dangerous threat.
I received a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.
Interesting Yet Flawed. To be clear upfront, I am writing this review after having just finished reading this book on my Kindle Fire HD 8 (and more specifically having its text to voice feature read to me while I achievement grind in Age of Empires HD) and having seen some of the controversy of this book when coming here to leave my review.
The book itself showed promise, but how much it delivered on that promise largely depends on how much State force you find acceptable. Her points early in the text (the first chapters) about hate being mitigated by genuine community (though she never once used such a term) were enlightening and true in my own observations. But then, after covering the Rwandan Genocide, she begins advocating ever more State force in “addressing” hatred, contradicting her earlier words about voluntary community being the solution.
Overall, the text here is worthy of consideration yet has several flaws that deal it at least body blows in its recommendations, and is thus recommended yet independent consideration about the points it raises is also recommended. And thus my star ranking.
Addressing a bit of the controversy:
1) Assuming Kohn did in fact misquote at least two sources, that is a serious lack of judgment and care on both her part and everyone at her publisher involved in the printing process. This was not a self-published book, where such issues may have at least some level of understanding and forgiveness, but was instead a book published by a traditional yet small publisher, one who should have at minimum contacted cited sources and verified the veracity of the quotes used and the context in which they were used. As an extremely small independent publisher myself, this is one basic thing I would do if I ever published a nonfiction book, and no one would have to tell me to do it.
2) As wrong as the above is – and again, I find it *very* disturbing and extremely wrong – it is *just* as wrong to leave a review about a book that you have not personally read. For the purposes of review, it really doesn’t matter how one acquires the book so long as the book is at least genuinely attempted before leaving the review. (For purposes of ethics or law, obviously how one acquires the text matters.) I have little issue with the reviewer who at least attempts to read a text, throws it away in disgust, and lambasts the book in reviews detailing exactly why it was thrown away in disgust. I may disagree with it, but that at least is an honest reaction to the act of reading the text itself, and thus it at least is fair. I have major issues with a person leaving a review lambasting a book they have never attempted to read and thus attempting to cause harm to the author simply over a perceived slight rather than being honestly critical of the work in question. Again, leaving a review without actually reading the text (or more generally, using the product being reviewed) is *wrong* at least as much as Kohn and Algonquin Books were wrong in their quote issues.
But leaving this review back on the text in question: Kohn repeatedly makes the case that when we reach across the gap to try to communicate honestly yet civilly with the “other” that we begin to understand them, and in that understanding hatred is destroyed. Perhaps her detractors could learn a lesson from reading how she arrived at this conclusion as related in this very book.
I liked the writing style. Almost felt like.i.was having a conversation with the author. It explores a topic that I feel is very relevant today. It gives you a different perspective on how and why we can get locked into a never-ending war.
In these divided times, we need to learn how to see the humanity of people with whom we disagree. This is a great guide for how we can do this.
Thought provoking. Highly recommend it. You’ll realize that each of us really does have something we can do to make a difference.
It really helped me understand the political division in the United States, and promoted compassion in my daily life.
Sally and I agree on very little politically, but somehow in spite of that, we have navigated a friendship that transcends everything else. This book explains it all!
A very well written and well researched book. How to see our world and our part in what is happening and how we can change the world by changing ourselves.
Just six chapters long, packed with the worst atrocities of our times and positive
hope for the future.