My name is Justin, and when I was seventeen, I fell in love with a boy named Damon.Damon was sick, only I didn’t know it at the time. And like any disease left untreated, it festered and burrowed into the unaffected areas of us, until we were both so far from healthy, we were killing one another. Then a tragedy sparked our implosion.With nothing of us remaining to salvage, I was left to pick up … left to pick up the pieces, while Damon found his escape in the abyss. Leaving me alone with his alter, Blake.
Damon and Blake are two halves of a whole. But Damon is the coldest part of darkness, and Blake the warmest part of light. Which form of ecstasy would you choose?
I love Blake with a ferocious intensity akin to the peeling back of skin. Except Blake isn’t Damon, but Damon was gone—until now.
What once threatened to tear us apart has become our catharsis.
Outnumbered in a relationship with the man who is my life, I’ve begun to learn more about love than I ever thought possible.
But can our love survive the merge?
*An M/M romance and book one in the Chadwick trilogy.
Can be read as a standalone, no cheating, no cliffhanger, and ends with an HEA. *WARNINGS: Contains explicit sex, violence, graphic language, and an MC with dissociative identity disorder.
Author’s note: For a full set of trigger warnings, please use the Amazon “look inside” feature to find them within the first several pages.
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I’m going to be honest here – when I first started this novel, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and if I wanted to continue. But I decided to stick it out as I hate having a book defeat me. And I’m so glad I did!!!
This book is simply outstanding. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve sobbed. I’ve also lost my heart to Pete!
Amazingly written, and a fantastic read. I’m so glad I carried on, and I would recommend this to everyone!
Well this book thoroughly wrecked me. Or like only Damon and Blake could do: it tore me apart and put me back together again. I have never read a book like this, and I cannot believe this was a debut novel. Wow, it was so intense and beautiful and heartbreaking. So, this story deals with DID (dissociative identity disorder). This disorder usually occurs due to a trauma. So, there is plenty of heartbreak throughout, and even my heart still broke at the end. There is a HEA for sure, but it is bittersweet. You will see once you read. Everyone needs to read!!
I am toying back and forth with how to write this review: with or without spoilers. I still haven’t decided so we will see how this ends up.
First things that I do want to mention about the book is the content warnings. In my opinion this book should be read by reading the blurb only and going in blind. It is truly the only way to fully experience this story because I believe this was an experience. So immersive. That being said, the warnings in the First Look feel a little spoiler-y to me, so the best way I think is to say this:
– Deals with mental illness
– Codependency
– Off page sexual assault
– Re-telling of graphic violence
This story is told completely from Justin’s POV, and I never once hoped for a POV change. Justin is in his late 20’s and a ballet master at the Oregon Ballet House. He is married to Damon who suffers from DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder – therefore he has a relationship with both Damon and Damon’s alter, Blake.
This story is a romance, yes, but it is also a story of healing and life’s journey. It will bring many to confront the idea that life is only in black and white – as the grey areas in this book are infinite in their shades. But that is life, and the author portrayed that beautifully.
There is a lot of hurt here, but there is an even more tremendous amount of comfort. A theme within this story is how Damon can tear Justin apart and then Blake is always there to put him back together, and you get that experience as a reader as well, because all of the pain you share with these characters is expertly pieced back together with the authors seamless storytelling. I don’t believe this book is dark, but it does absolutely deal with dark themes, and to me one does not automatically equate to the other.
The ending is perfect in its binding of everything together again. The secondary characters feel like family and my investment was almost equal to that of Justin, Damon, and Blake. And for a first time author, this story is one of very few that I’ve read where I felt that the author knew the characters with so much finite detail that this could have been a biopic on existing people.
Even if you’re not on the fence, you should just give this a read and be blown away by a new author to the genre. I recommend this book to everyone, mlm readers or not, especially to anyone who enjoys angst with a happy ending.
RATING:
5 ‘s – CHARACTERS
5 ‘s – STORY AND PLOT
5 ‘s – WORLD BUILDING
5 ‘s – WOW FACTOR
4.5 ‘s – WRITING / EDITING / TECHNICAL
—–
4.9 ‘s TOTAL
This was an impressive debut novel for a new author! The story was very engaging and kept me wanting more and more from these men. It wasn’t a light and fluffy read, more raw and edgy. Even so, the soft and sweet side to this story balanced it out perfectly. I found the characters likable, some a little over the top, but we all have different levels of energy. Ms. Harris pulled at my heartstrings pretty well here and that makes for a good read in my book.
There were a few things here and there that didn’t seem fluid, but considering this was her first rodeo I am definitely intrigued to find out how the rest of this series will go. I think I’m pretty sure who the next book will involve, but look forward to seeing if she takes a different spin on their type of relationship. Bravo Ms. Harris, you have gained a new fan!
OMG, I don’t know where to begin, there is so much to tell.
Overwhelming it was, absolutely overwhelming.
It’s kind of tricky reviewing without giving too much away. I’ll try my very best!
Before I dive into the content I want to explain the whole story in a few lines before you misunderstand what I’m really talking about.
This story is about love, about healing, about mental illness caused by surviving an awful life and trying to protect, it’s about sacrifices, deep therapeutic sessions, sexual needs, and compassion. It’s about returning to the very naked core.
Above all, it’s about unconditional love and dedication.
There is a life before-and-after… and while reading you’ll understand this can be about more than one case.
“My name is Justin. When I was seventeen, I fell in love with a boy named Damon.”
Justin’s and his husband their lives were going sort of steady for the last five years, until four months ago.
“I’d left the comforts of heaven to willingly lay in the arms of the devil.”
Justin has a hunger in him, only one person can satisfy and Blake can’t provide that. But Blake fulfills other needs Damon can’t provide.
Justin’s life is small, working as Ballet Master at The OBH—The Oregon Ballet House, satisfies him but he has no friends, no life outside his marriage.
He wants to spread his wings or maybe understand why and how life works for him.
“In order to get through, you first need to go through.”
There are hurtful fights, the mental and physical ones. The blood dripping had, for me, two functions, clean a wound or it has to flow to let go.
There are beautiful sensual and sensitive moments where it looks like everything will be okay, who knew the road is a long one.
The awareness of triggering minds was palpable. Justin’s pleas are heartfelt. The story was ingenious, at some point I wondered who manipulated who.
Awesomely done to make me question again and again.
There is Dr. Julie, their therapist, my goodness what a fierce woman. Deep bow.
Let’s not forget the beautiful friends who surrounded them. I want to point out that besides the main storyline there are just as important secondary stories.
This story was amazing, captivating, and intriguingly written. It’s almost impossible to resume. It was kind of a dark story, with heavy content, we’re talking here about surviving by coping, more learning to cope. There are forceful moments with dubious consensus, many conflicts, and inner turmoil.
The title is everything and when I truly understood, I cried hard.
Humor and witty attitudes completed the characters. So many beautiful moments. At times, so dark, and sexy af.
The whole healing process was breathtaking, I cried ugly tears.
A story with the most beautiful determined characters, I loved EVERY part of them. So much honesty, so many real feelings. It was all overwhelmingly beautiful!
A must-read, my review can’t even approximate what it’s all about. Read it yourself!
A debut novel and for me, it deserves already a 5+++ star status!
Well that was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. It’s a great debut. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about how it played out but it was exceptionally written with complex characters. There were some issues here and there but overall a good read.
Please heed the trigger warnings for this book! Use the “Look inside” feature if you have any qualms about the contents.
In her debut novel, C.P. Harris takes readers on a sometimes harrowing, sometimes intensely erotic, but always enthralling journey along with a married couple dealing with the reality of one partner’s dissociative identity disorder. While I have no frame of reference as to how accurate the portrayal is – it’s been a long time since I read Sybil and When Rabbit Howls – the story is so compelling that I don’t care how realistic it is. It felt real to me, and as a reader, that’s all I ask for. I did have a couple of quibbles early on but it was easy enough for me to overlook them since the rest of the story was so well written.
The non-DID partner, Justin, has his own set of mental heath issues and having both Blake and Damon as his husband fills a need for him. The story chronicles their experiences attempting to “merge” the personalities. Despite all the darkness and turmoil, there’s hope here, plenty of romance, and profound emotional growth of both partners.
Harris’ mature prose and vividly drawn characters drew me along and kept me interested through the twists and turns of the story. I cared deeply about these men and the other people in the story and if this is what’s in store for the other Chadwick books, I’m eager to get to them.
Get to this goodness! Get to it now!
*Stumbles out from book hangover*
Such a gripping, emotional and well written tale of struggle, trauma, identity and most of all- love..love that triumphs through it all. That shines through as a tight anchor, against the clutches of insecurity and the demons of the past.
Had me hooked on right from the very start and I just couldn’t break that spell till I reached the epilouge.
As much as the blurb sets the outline of the story, I would say I went in blind and I loved..loved every moment of it. So if you are looking at giving this awesome story a chance, I urge you to do the same. That being said, please do read through the trigger warnings since as expected of any good story, it is quite intense at times.
Told entirely from Justin’s POV, ‘Surviving the merge’ beautifully weaves together a story of anguish, uncertainty, love that is overwhelming, heart wrenching and heart warming all at once. Justin’s character stands apart and I loved the way the author portrays him as someone who’s equally flawed, possessed by demons of his own making, but is so very perfect for all the entities that make up Damon- he needs them as much as they need him. Very refreshingly unique.
The author has done a great job of portraying the tumult of emotions at play – helplessness, intrigue, hope, loss, insecurities from the past and determination to face the unknown. The imagery painted by the author’s words contribute to the intensity of the scenes and help create a unique amalgam of angst, hope and sensuality.
Words, such beautiful words..
I can’t say much without spoiling the story ( which in itself is a testament to how good it is), but as someone who has been in Justin’s shoes, I’ll say the amount of research that has gone into this is commendable. And I never would have guessed that this is the author’s debut novel *wow*.
Highly recommend !
Can’t wait for part #2.
There are two big things I want to point out. For a first book from an author this was just amazing! Please heed the warnings to know if that isn’t your cup of tea then this book isn’t for you. But outside of that CP Harris knocked this one out of the park. Secondly, this is story line that I haven’t seen done before. And for that it kept me so intrigued and wanting to know what would happen and how it would all come to a conclusion. Don’t want to say more to spoil the moment. The characters were so vastly different you just were sucked in to the end. I loved this book and can’t wait to see what else this author can do!
An intense but deeply satisfying read with some heavy themes but written so well that the pages seem to turn themselves. The raw energy between the characters is brilliant and this highly memorable storyline will stay with you for a long time. A hard fought HEA but the journey is worth it.
This book had me in tears so many times. I felt so many emotions and I love books that make me feel.