What would you do if both parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s?
At the time of their diagnosis, Ed Church struggles to his feet, yelling, “How dare you use the A. word with me,” while Ibby wags her finger at the doctor scolding, “Shame on you.”
They protect each other, Ibby by asserting, “We’re not leaving our home,” and Ed reassuring, “We’re just fine.”
About his driving Ed defends, “I’m … driving Ed defends, “I’m an excellent driver, I’ve never had an accident.” When their daughter, Rosie, finds dings in Ed’s car, he dismisses, “Someone must have bumped into me.”
After Rosie moves them to assisted living, convinced they are on a second honeymoon, they break the news, “We’ve decided not to have more children.”
In the late stages, they politely shake Rosie’s hand, inquiring, “Now, who are you?”
In ALZHEIMER’S DAUGHTER readers journey with Rosie Church from her first suspicions that something is awry to nearly a decade later as she is honored to hold Ed and Ibby’s hands when they draw their final breaths.
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While the subject of Alzheimer’s is a daunting one, the way Jean Lee approaches the story of her own parents’ struggle gives the reader an inside look at the human side of an all too common tragedy. She lays out the tale of love and devotion between her parents, Ed and Ibby, with such tenderness and clarity, interspersing love letters the two exchanged during WWII throughout the book to illustrate a bond that would last many decades.
What started as a journal to record tiny fissures in her parents’ grasp on reality became a three-year accounting of the slow but steady decline that precipitated a double diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. During her vigil, the author recounted her own struggle of having to intrude in Ed and Ibby’s life, knowing how independent and private they were and how determined they were to live out their lives in their own home, without anyone’s help or interference.
Just as parents must intervene when they see their children going down the wrong road, Jean had no choice but to look out for Ed and Ibby’s wellbeing, even though it caused them to turn on her. Jean’s battle became twofold: to keep her parents safe while she and her sister struggled to figure out what their future life would look like. Even after the diagnosis, she still had an uphill battle trying to protect her folks from the obstacles and clutter that made their house unsafe to live in. But as the months passed, it became obvious they could no longer care for themselves, despite their determination to remain independent.
Alzheimer’s Daughter is a candid look at the perils and hard choices that families are having to face as an increasing number of the population struggles with an enemy that ruins lives from within. Jean’s story offers insight and foresight, while depicting the small, unexpected joys that occurred while gradually watching her parents recede into an unfamiliar world. It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Though it must’ve been very difficult to write, it gave me the comfort of knowing that we’re not alone in this nightmare called Alzheimer’s, and that in the end, love will heal all wounds.
This is, first of all, a beautifully-written book. Then there is the story itself that Jean Lee tells that is so compelling you just must continue reading.
I’ve read a number of Alzheimer’s books because my dad had Alzheimer’s and I oversaw every aspect of his care, though he lived in a lovely assisted living facility, for nine years. But my dad was largely cooperative, his Alzheimer’s was slow-developing, and his sweetness lasted throughout his entire ordeal. There were 10,000 other things over the years to attend to on his behalf, but the time was at least filled with many joyful moments.
Not so in Ms. Lee’s case! I could not have imagined both parents developing this disease at the same time, with the progression escalating in tandem. Unless you’ve taken care of an Alzheimer’s-ridden parent, it’s hard to imagine all that is required to take care of even one. I have never read a book in which taking care of both was the case.
What was so remarkable was the daughter’s ability to hold a full-time job while ushering her parents through the most difficult time imaginable–for all of them–over a number of years. Smart, organized, devoted, but nevertheless overwhelmed, Rosie Church did everything possible to ensure their best care. She did have a marvelous sister who lived in another state but who traveled often and did so much to help her–including being there to listen. But Jean Lee was truly, in every sense of the word, Alzheimer’s Daughter.
I loved how the author used her parents’ actual love letters which they wrote to each other during WWII. She wove them into the evolving story that was unfolding with their illness, and in doing so, gave us a special glimpse into the depth of love her parents shared. Then back to the present circumstances in the story, where that love was still as strong as ever. We learned the depth of their love and therefore were better able to understand how unique their journey was.
I loved this book, and I don’t think there could be a better one written to emphasize and encompass all that is involved in caring for parents with dementia. Highly recommended.