Can a mother be both loving and selfish? Caring and thoughtless? Deceitful and devoted? These are the questions that fuel psychologist Dr. Judy Rabinor’s quest to understand her ambivalence toward her mother. While leading a seminar exploring the importance of the mother-daughter relationship, Dr. Judy Rabinor, an eating disorder expert, is blindsided by a memory of a childhood trauma. Realizing … Realizing how this buried trauma has resonated through her life, she sets off to heal herself. The Girl in the Red Boots weaves together tales from Rabinor’s psychotherapy practice and her life, helping readers understand how painful childhood experiences can linger and leave emotional scars. In the process, Rabinor traces her own journey becoming a wounded healer and ultimately making peace with her mother, and herself. Not a traditional self-help book outlining “steps” to reconcile or forgive one’s mother, The Girl in the Red Boots is a poignant memoir filled with hard-won life lessons, including the fact that it’s never too late to let go of hurts and disappointments and develop compassion for yourself—and even for your mother.
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Sometimes, you come across a book you did not know you needed to read. This is one of them. The first chapter hooked me in. And by the time I reached the last page, I’d enjoyed a free therapy session that left me with much to ponder about my own relationships.
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During an exploration of the mother-daughter dynamics with clients who struggle with eating disorders, this accomplished psychotherapist uncovers a memory of her own childhood trauma. She explores it further and learns more about her relationship with her mother than expected.
It forced her to examine the ambivalence towards her own mother, with whom she longed to have a deep emotional connection. The Biblical proverb “physician, heal yourself” comes to life as the author weaves together stories from her practice and her own life. As she helps others, she helps herself.
Dr. Rabinor unravels buried trauma in her own life and that of her patients with every “little experiment” she proposed during sessions. Her vulnerability encourages her clients to deal with their hurts, grief, and healing. Moreover, she embarks on a journey of forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude.
The author’s work uncovered mothers who did the best they could by following their doctor’s orders. Few could access the invaluable tools of therapy, such as communication and self-examination. It highlights why it’s important to ask “why” and to put yourself in the shoes of others. Also, as Dr. Rabinor reflects on her own life, she reveals the significance of the book’s title.
This doctor is a skilled storyteller; she pulls you into the story with her conversational style of writing. You’ll feel as if you’ve sat down to share a cup of tea with her, and leave you itching to spill the secrets of your own heart. It will make you reflect on your relationship with your mother, and your own children if you are a parent. But this is not just a story for or about mothers. It is for everyone who’d like to examine their past hurts and learn about the power of forgiveness and acceptance.
Finally, in the last chapter, you’ll find guided imaginary exercises drawn from workshops and mentioned in the book. It will open your heart and serve as prompts for your own inner work. I highly recommend this book.
(I received an ARC copy from Reedsy and am voluntarily leaving a review).
You will not be the same after reading this book.
Psychotherapist Judith Ruskay Rabinor could have written a self-help book filled with excellent clinical advice gleaned from her years spent helping mothers and daughters heal their relationships. I would have rolled my eyes and put it back on the shelf. Instead, she wrote an unflinchingly honest memoir about how hard it was for her to follow her own advice. She drew me in. After I was hooked, she provided guided meditations and multiple stories that softened my heart and, indeed, helped me reconsider my relationship with my own mother. Some healing has begun.
The author says The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with my Mother is the book for anyone who has an imperfect mother or is one. So this may be the book for you, too.
This book tweaked my relational optics. Brought dynamics with my own mom into clearer focus.
It’s an engaging memoir. In it, psychologist Judith Ruskay Rabinor draws from her extensive experience working with moms and daughters who deeply need peace with one another—and who are embroiled in eating disorders. She also taps a lifetime of memories with her own challenging mother.
I must say that the author’s personal vulnerability, self-awareness, and deep (albeit imperfect) love make this book.
Make this book what?
Well, they make it wonderful. Rabinor’s candid self-disclosure and humility encourage relationship growth. Encourage each reader to exchange her “I love my mother, but . . .” attitude for an honest look at one’s own blind spots. Encourage every reader to say this about her mother-daughter relationship (and indeed about all relationships between human beings):
“Imperfect love has to be good enough, because imperfect love is all there is.”
To find peace in that reality.
Without inducing guilt over past relationship failures, she challenges readers to examine their own mother-daughter dynamics. To “recognize the longings behind their complaints.” By offering her own story, Rabinor gives her readers an example of how to grow in their own self-forgiveness and in empathy for mothers who wounded them. Her account is a courageous, thought provoking look at her story’s dark side. But it’s also tender and intimate. Heart-softening and soft-handed. Trail-blazing. Compassionate.
Compassionate . . . even for Rabinor’s mother, who betrayed her family and sometimes gave her daughter terrible, destructive advice.
Yes. Even then.
Through a multitude of illustrations, the author shows the impact of patient, thoughtful, mutual exploration of these important relationships. But even without mutuality, she reveals how self-knowledge and chosen shifts in perception by daughters toward their mothers can quiet the pain these wounded or broken relationships can cause.
Even if the mother doesn’t change.
Does the book say all mother-daughter relationships can be healed? Or that daughters should dive back into abusive situations?
Of course not.
But, according to Rabinor, if we daughters can thaw our frozen judgments about our mothers, if we can look at ourselves humbly and acknowledge that we, too, are broken and imperfect—just as they are, if we can banish our victimhood and reinterpret our stories, then we can learn to hold our moms inside of us in a place of acceptance. And, hopefully, our interactions with them will change—whether in real time or in memory—for the better.
Easy? No. And change can take a long time. But the outcome? New neural connections in brains changed for the better. Hearts re-opened. Greater wisdom and joy.
Maybe even peace with Mother.
Don’t waste your money or time.